mother wont you come back to earth. it seems the parties already started, you were in the back with your friends, i sat inside all night loping off little children's heads. the rings of saturn are beautiful, if only they could be seen without a scope. oh the tragedy. sister please come back down from where your at. girl, please get yourself together, you're being used as a welcome mat; but theyre being used as well. oh the irony in that. oh the irony in that. wont you come back to earth, mother. wont you come back? please find your way home, mother. where'd we go so far off track. the night sky is adorned with night lights of the most pleasing type. where do we go from here, now that you're completely wasted.
dognabbit, this rabbit has shit in my hat. no magician, and im no inventor. the crackers have up and left texas, they cant stand mingling, if anything i know that for sure. the close minded saying theyre open to new things. dont attempt it if you dont want change. we're all obese, we need restrictions on how much we can eat. the united states is a joke. up the gas prices some more, where the fuck do we go from here? we'll all revert to bicycles to get by, we'll pull a china. we need the excercise. cheeseburgers and french fries? anyone? one sentence rambling, rethink it. scratch this. if i scratch your back you scratch mine, nothings free ive noticed, maybe i should just get in line. quit trying. get.in.line.
back when i was riding my bike with no hands/and before the cold reality set in/playing tag in the yard near the glow of street lights/instigating problems-we'd all always fight/before the passing of friends/moving on in various ways/not knowing i'd never see you again/we were all in need of change.../before working 9 to 5/putting aside these wars of our time/somehow these things never crossed my mind/before growing up having consciousness take apart (of) my life.../those fading memories of being young/snapshots freezing lives of acting dumb/before depression turned the gun on great fathers/using it on oneself and not on another/leaving the unrelenting to see lives through into old age.../when the worlds simplicity was all that mattered/i was once a boy/and i was never afraid to turn the page
08.30.05-showcased under liquid glass
there's no end to the hum of this fan. this is before the clouds hide the stars. this is before the clock strikes ten. this is before the kids come in. its never to late. maybe you're just to patiant. maybe they're far to bold. maybe we're just playing a deadly game of hide and seek. coming back intoxicated again, maybe.maybe.maybe. we'll see. eyes open flickering-taking in bright red on natural white-no more maybies. this since of urgency-aggression and defense shows through claw marks near the wrists. this confliction has lead to constriction. this mistaken pistol surgery. tearing of tissue, tears drop of ruby. drag the dying leaves on silent falling snow. encased and showcased under liquid glass. let us make angels. weighed down with belongings, back to hide and seek. possesions carried on back. moving on is key. this is vital to survival.maybe.maybe. maybe. maybe this is me. maybe this time my snowfall is personal.
some people use their imagination to capture people nude while nervous in front of a crowd. i kill the mass of them. now you know.
someday we wont need sleep to survive. no hook ups, no scientific proceders. just furthering our evolution. this is my theory. we just wont need it. we wont make it that far. we've stopped in our tracks. no way to turn back. we've designed our own fate. expand that unfulfilled desire to mate. its just in you. you fill this air with your diseased breathe.fuck the world over until there's nothing left. i'd be lying if i didnt want you shot in the face. this flesh tied up tangled in lace.waste of space? cock this hammer back. evacuate the refugees. ha. haha. ive got the bitch itch and it wont go away. its always the good ones that feel these effects. ive made my own path. i find my own way. this purple drapery holds me back from the world. you wouldnt figure a simple fabric would do so. corrupt cocksuckers; fill the void; but i see through. i'll get you drunk as fuck then talk shit on you. trust is an issue. when you're me you know why. sit the fuck down.proof?i can stand fine.willed. twolittlelegs.5'5.
09.07.05-urban atmosphere[branch off of earlier writing from 08.30]
from crooked sidewalk to patches of snow covering brown dry and dead grass, my feet clutch to this rough narrow path. leap this fence, to the backyard is where i now walk, calm and discreet. towards the corner near freshly cut wood;i stumble over these two clumsy feet. still human i know; but get up as if you feel nothing. i know this smell all to well. smell retains memory. this thought can make one anxious...nearing the pavement. this incoincidental engagment. bare fists bond with shattering glass. one round goes off; 7" shard used as a piece. shot once grazing the neck, stabbed once in the abdomen. to involved in involuntary laughter to flee. a dawn of bleeding. eyes remain open, shock has taken place. a dusty shovel in the backyard used to beat in your face. turned over. careless. spinal cord remains.half connected; this shovel still wedged in its place. past the stone garden and towards the wood stack.pulled through this dying, silent yard, on through this soft grass.pushed in ice clear, knee deep water. one silhouette reflects. tag you're it. brown eyes flutter quick. taking in all that is seen. warm red on cold white leading from the spattered porch to these two very feet.
i still remain quiet to this very day. all of you people make me this way.walking billboard.breathing advertisement.you tourist attraction. take your final bow. please die out now. i am spreading cancer. this festering disease. take a seat. get comfy. get use to me. i'll smile through all of your abuse. you'll never be free. and as we meet for that final time, i'll spit in your face, push you down;look at those eyes. as these hands begin to strain, and as i frantically laugh at the thought of your dying day,with just minutes before your throat gives away, eye to eye,face to face, i'll scream your direction with these last words i'll say-so glad i met you. i guess we just clicked this way.
09.27.05-evaluating your worth[entire group of lyrics i wrote within a week. dealing with everything that runs through my mind. for the most part i wanted a concept behind it, dealing with my childhood up to the point i was at-and further. i wanted to go deep with this, but never really did. i rushed everything]
1) dollhouse days - at a young age, i was forcefed things, developed this passiveness which is very much apart of me. young, gaunt, sick and weak. i was not a boy. all i was, was meek.
2) capturing amphibians - the past is the past. reasoning with suicide by nine. i couldnt stand up to you. lashing out. crushing me under all of your weight. tackled in the backyard; where the summer birds sang. assuming you wanted me dead. you were feared by me. jealousy. unwanted child;just like many.struck with grief. after disurbances, i would sit in front of a blank screen. staring back at myself. dazed in front of the VCR watching the time. locked in my room. i was nine.
3) knife collector - friends become my life. having fun. sleeping over. coming home to strife. reoccuring situtions. all is ok. all is withheld. they only understand half of the story. they cant help me. not yet smart enough to turn the tables. not yet old enough to run for shelter. go back to the only thing you know. go back to the only thing you know.
4) stand in - placed in front of the mirror. best friends forever. close enough to tell you everything. up late in the backyard. all of us played like children to escape the pressures going on in our lives. club house events. wrestling and fights. camp outs and tents. tree house cicadas crawl as we sleep. the smell of dawn hours tells us later its inside to eat. down to the basement, with its leaking, stagnant water smell. using trash can tops pushing each other down these concrete steps.you laughed as i fell. these times grew smaller. weekends become longer. the fun is done. this fun is over. i wish i had a stand in. best friends forever. its seems everyones feeling different. women. everyone is moving on. just as quickly as it all happened, you guys were all gone. back handed teen. you grew up without me.
5) in dreams - these years go by. when we met i remember broken locks and door handles. we grew close over time. stronger bond then with anyone. seventeen. routine becomes hard, people hate over skin color. racism breeds racism. back to school. you cant save me mother. once again held under. you force your fists in my face, no longer stupid, but you still hold more strength. held down, tension as my sister screams. this moment truamitized me. i couldnt sleep. the only revenge i recieved was through dreams. you still arent present. you're phone wont ring. grow old alone father. you - you're the only thing that really saved me. you.
6) distance - times arent so becoming. im out on my own. when the one person you trust leaves you out all alone, you become cold. these are all trials. they make us who we are. these trials help me grow. do me a favor and let go. new feelings rush my veins. highs and lows are constant. happiness and pain. i now know that im more mature than percieved. exhausted but greatful for these turn of events.in need. growing more willed. every passing day. in need of change! more cautious and uncaring to everything. my hearts not set on helping this world. mankind has made me this way. i thank you all. you all make me this way.
7) snowflake - you're like everyone else. you are not the unique snowflake. image means nothing. quit trying to be different. we all lose weight to fit the hollywood standards. theory. when hungry we burn off fat.imagining eating makes us hungry. so can we lose weight by pure thought? whats this mind capable of? am i more evolved because breeding is of no use? fuck all of you. one by one. you're all the same. no snowflake. you dont fall so eliquintly. one by one. you'll all fall; failing miserably.
8) interlude - high pitched screams wake me from dreams. put your hand through my hair. comfort me.
9) cicada's crawl - you've endured far to many things. grown up. now in your twenties. age all but hides, leaving the obvious wear on your body. stress over time creeps from the life that you've led. cracks and crevices leave signs along your forehead. been pushed down; walked on all your life. now push on. the boy in you wants out to play. dont let them get the best of you, fight. run along young one. lifes last call. merge on.play their games like your their height. all of them are small inside. four feet tall. kindness is a weakness. they'll never listen, its when youre quiet people tend to hear you. lay back, lash out silently, get them. oh you'll notice when im close enough. duct tape. tension. now this could have gone differently, had you known how to correct it. but if this isnt what you expect of me, i may teach you this lesson; respect me. smile. frown. listen. maybe look my direction.
10) critical timing - please give me the strength to NOT put this handgun to their heads-the strategies been planned-disrespected as if we're not friends-they're uncaring, thats the way it goes-keep me from putting pressure on the grip pulling the trigger blank range on their nose -BANG!THE FUCKERS DEAD- snap out of it, dont think like that! but you dont know what they've said. you dont know how they act. within reason you dont have that mean streak. BUT wouldnt it be a great way to put in my two weeks? you're to good for them, walk. no, blast them dead. then leave with a grin. DONT GIVE A SHIT, they dont matter, because they dont care. absolutely take action, speak out, get to the root of the problem. take out the rotation in the gears. fuck them over like they've done onto you. KARMA. ok. devise a plan for uncouth ways. just dont become violent. give me the strength... but in which way? see it out. use your brain. clips loaded. 15 shells. gravity will take effect. these casings will make an impact . the back of his head not left intact. as it turns out-the stage is already set-avoid all, but look for the higher-up,money hungry, corporate fuck filled with greed. now, where were we? GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES! all of this attention leaves your lips stuck to gunmetal. the imagination runs rampant. what do i seek? blood spattered tile? now, NO TALKING. this chamber leads to the back of the throat. looks like you cant get up. looks like theres nowhere to go. what a show we put on-ENCORE?- no? terrified screams turn to surrounding chantings. more? yeah? yay! encore i say! -wait- now that the ways been paved, you're mind set has changed. still in the car. making your way. the good of heart comes into play. turn around now? real strength comes from overcoming these things. good or not, they all deserve a chance even though they may not be whom they portray. give me the strength to put this weapon away. sometimes i wish to kill you all. though ive no reason for an encore. sorry. 10 seconds away. could have fluctuated everything. turning around made for critical timing.
11) minutes away - you made such an impact. love hate relationship. you can grow old alone. youve shown me but one thing. i can make it on my own. father. you made me stronger. so i thank you. though i hate you. out of them, only you remain, dont let me down girl, you are here for a reason. i want you around for all time, good heart, dont plan on leaving. dont make an exit, dont make me ponder, wondering that where im going you're not coming too, dont lose me. dont leave me.help me not wander. i notice you're the one holding the candle; in pitch black; you give that light back. when dim, my eyes search for a path just beyond the tips of my toes. when near, i can see that flicker of light even with these eyes closed.
12) the black limitless - lead us into Planet X. whats on the other side? anyones guess. you think we're larger than life, but we're so far from it. you're so small, but arent we all. bradley is who i am; but who is that really? the galaxy. rapidly, our universe grows. when will it take on its opposite effect.implode? the things we take for granted in our small, little lives. if the sun burnt out like a light, we'd have eight minutes before even noticing we'll lose all that's in sight. eight.light.minutes.away. we were all once particle dust. carried through space -
the black l i m i t l e s s .
you check this in hope for some type of closure. i forgive you. its just in you. im further along you know. it's i who laughs last. Ha. you moved your bitch ass to kansas. fuck off and die.weak mind.checkin' my shit andfiending my dick.
two faced basket case likes to dish pain.cold, black heart.you won't rain on this parade. i'm not stupid i see what you do. keep doing it. humorous.im one step ahead of you. rejected fool. if you only knew,we group around laughing at the shit you pull.
people come and people go.most of them i'll never know. you came and went, im sorry you left, though this confusion spirals out of control, im left spent. i can tell you all that you want to hear, or i can leave these words that come out clear, broken record, again, my intent was not to displease, but i dont force things upon anyone, thats the thing about me. if you feel its better that you flee, than i'll let that be that, i'm quiet you see. its not easy, believe me, i wish we were friends; and i wish we werent left being strangers in the end, but then again, people come and go. and there she is, the jane doe i never got to know.
12.07.05-untitled[inspired by ICO]
black horns haunt corridors. unforgiving world. break the chain, save the girl. young boy, keep your grip and stear the way. losing sight ignites the flame. they'll disappear with her near, hurry to which and where you came. through the air, and into the ground, the shadows abound. they've got wings, apparently you're left in a place with nothing. the two horns on your head led to this predicament, let courage be your instrument. rush the darkness in this irrational reality. push through this maze using mentality. dimming eyes show they've passed, the shadows vanish as they fall to thier backs. ghostly girl, this light's restricted to only that of your body. godly. boy, take your stick, light the torch quick, opening the way to your next objective. restricted inside with nothing but time. finding your way to the outside, dreaming her safety; of not being petrified. put your toes in the sand and eye the tide. washed towards the shore; now everything's fine.
01.03.06-victim.[around this point i began a different formula of writing]
great patient, remain patient. utilyzing the kitchen knife to pry back the gums from the teeth. bound. all restraint. kicking, screaming and bleeding throughout this entire procedure. severe one limb from the knee down. then attention is drawn back to the knife once more, now. the iris "carved out" - estimation to only cut into the circumference of blue thats defined, and to gouge half way into the inside of the eye. this incision makes for a delicate sitution for a porcelaine doll in this little position. see, i cant force you into a critical condition. opening you up on this level gives me new feelings, highs, and ambitions. this very intention reveals new passage into various imagination.
the way the sun reflects off the green grass. the way the brown field flows like ocean as the wind rushes past. the pollen in the air reminds me of spring, the feeling of happiness enveloping me. this world shows me im truly back home. this world keeps evil at bay. no war, no theories, police, or criminal imagery. just peace. atleast no theivery, or insignificant conspiracys, just nothing but beauty. i can close my eyes and not have to worry. because when these eyes reopen i can feel quite free-full of patience, time, and hesitancy-theres no need to hurry-no pushing, no rushing being reason enough not to go back to the city, but unfortunatly, this world is run by men with money; concrete, cars, corporations, and gasoline, all of these things that we now need-do you see what i mean? nights by a fire under the pastel sky, all of these things are dreams-only in mind. exploration is a device i cant seem to find. how do i escape this maze of urban enviroment? i cant stay-what if i no longer want it anyway? overcrowded planet, city capacity reaching its limit, im preparing for a much needed designated planet abandonment. when i close my eyes this place seems unmistakably different.
from stop lights, satalites, police vehicles, and public restrooms; the things you do - they dont go unseen. when you look up to the sky-tonight-just know they're looking back at you. i can see you perfectly through your glass house. perfectly sifting through and seeing into your every passing dream.
we're the fucked youth of today. yesterdays problems - stand in our way. no way to turn ourselves around. they've helped dumb us down - we're all sleeping on the couch at our mother's house. unemployed, wasted, and nearly stupid, we cant seem to make up for their past, present, or our future. seniority and their high standards for the way we should live, when they themselves couldnt make it through college. these degrees are used to make sure none of the rest of us live well. we're all scrounging change for lotto tickets, as we live through this realistic "hell". the money i work for seems to fall from the loose seams in my old, aging, dirty, unflattering jeans. but understand, my life would be no different if i had a high paying job - if i wasnt a bum, if i wasnt a slob - i'd still be hateful and overly unhappy! and before you get angry at the guy you step on when he asks for a dime, just know we can all be put in his place at anytime of our lives - you could be fired tomorrow - claiming a check, impatiantly waiting in the unemployment line. dont we all expect to live with higher expectations - but that just comes from living in a "beautiful" nation. with the notion that everything and anything is possible to achieve, just accept the fact that whatever your dream - it has its fees - what, do you believe your freedom is free? payment please, if you wish to succeed! anymore the only thing thats technically free would be not abandoning the imagination i carry with me, but with technology comes more strength - wheres my serial number?!? identity? my feelings? and my hate to an extent? you'd figure the freakin' fingerprint was designed specifically for the government. when im walking the streets of san fransisco, is it really a necessity to pay a quarter before i can "go"? i feel like my hand should be raised in strain like im back in the day of sixth grade junior high school. someone throw me into my early grave, i'll want somewhere to rest this head after being finally beaten into submission-dead. i find i realized after all is finalized and said, when im ending this finished transaction, grabbing into my pocket and wallet - finding nothing instead - this seems to be fantastic, i cant even afford to be thrown into my own black, tragic, casket... we're the wasted youth of today, barely getting by on minumum wage!
a dead swing swaying in breeze. an impoverished mass of trashed buildings and broken homes brimming with disease. stiff in a recliner, unnoticed and lounging for days. your television blares static. your radios dead signal plays. will you ever be found? the 'death' dealer waites it out pursuing business near an abandoned playground. can you find the constellation over our electronic metropolitan configuration? scatter the street lights by throwing rocks their way. brake the pattern; then more clearly see why ---and its evident your acknowledgement never played a part in this devised design and scheme, your physical being has been squandered away from you without you ever even noticing. yet you overlook it, youre crooked; you slowly waste away yourself and others, hurting everyones living space in the long run, carry guns, 'stronger' one, more destructive than your fathers. making people addicts, and now you know theyve got to have it, cant kick the habit, living life tragically, youre living well still, laughing at this tragic, manic, mishap so foolishly. bringing out your wallet, laugh it up all the way to the bank- penning out the name and date up on the deposit. while in the meantime, this street crime, selling drugs and overdose, you get rich quick off of selling coke - crack or heroin, and again, youre killing them, killing men and women, providing bags for the weak and meek, imposing the lifestyle on these little children, one person constituting the lives over another 'million'. needless to say, intelligent persons, need to not harm their own bodies, they contribute by handing over their own cold, crisp, hard earned money. all of this effects the outcome of my life - when your stealing radios out of cars just to get by - 'its just a quick buck' - what the fuck? what took you ten seconds, helped contribute to my bad luck and lack of sustenance, what is this? personal intent to be malevolent? now im paying my deductable while attempting to afford my payments - and groceries, unwalkable path, so please dont judge me to quickly before you get to know me, just understand where im coming from - understand if i percieve you to be alittle shifty. im ready to pack my things. i need out of this liability laden city. ive got a realisic but pessimistic existence, but i dont need any of your pity...
02.21.06-strive to survive
think hes heaven sent? no. hes just the president. maybe your average criminal, sure isnt the regular individual. people wonder why hes ridiculed, its pitiful, in general, could he be alittle more political? im tired of hearing the same shit, its all irellevent, the lower class-made out to be fools, the most common fool-the problem-people, when its not even this mans decision, or ultimate vision-is it his intentions to not care, not to rule in favor of us in our near future when he comes off so youthfully dull? republicans running shit they shouldnt, this is not minimal! democrates up your awareness, eccentrics need to pull-their own weight-this is our fate-pave the way-consecrate-concentrate, dedicate, think of your kids-this is the setting, the environment, they'll be growing up to live in-im positive, if becoming a physical liberal is what its going to take, great, because life is what you make of it-the present is important but tomorrow is so much more, passing on intelligence, lore, can keep us going on for longer, as a whole, peace is what i wish, but peace is what we'll never reach, had we thought of tomorrow yesterday, practiced what was preached, chances are we could be doing so much better in these everyday surroundings.
the stars overcrowd the night sky.
im a pasty atheist who doesnt listen/to these chicks and misses/even when its me that may be missing the larger caption-the bigger picture/im thick skulled/memories slowed/im slack with my brain you see/paced with the chemistry/most who dont catch me/dont get me/dont know me-just know/i cant even afford the clothes i hold/living on the floor/to pay for a car/that i dont wish to own anymore/each cent i get goes back to the liquer store/inebriated/because i feel its me you hated/pathetic ways/day by day/living with no dreams/is this ok?/maybe so/lazy for/not getting out and knowing what they pay me for/being me/assuming to quickly/strictly/im more than happy to live/is that not trying to keep everything all positive?/ive got to force myself to be a man/ive got to take a stand/but in the same hand my plan to not fail as a man is always demand/i want you all to know me/just to see through my eyes/i'll be pushed to the back thats just my take on life/i want to fall through the cracks, get lucky and live the way i want to live/but how do you come up when the only feelings you have arent at all that positive?/environment/makes all the difference/ive got no script for this/no time to get me pissed/life is so hit or miss/im simple coming from the midwest/restless/stress this/i need a heater/to become a chest bleeder/heat seeker/wrist slit seeper/grey matter leaker/i guess im just overrated/get my palms on a toaster while intoxicated/'sucks you faded'/but we're all buried in the same position when we're not cremated/thats the world/you come in-you go out/ but how/can i survive by 25?/ive just arrived/plenty of time/or should i-/out myself/douse myself/in gasoline/because i cant mother fucking live 'the american dream'/i stand on my two feet just like any other/stable/able/quick to sit, yes/but i wont live incapable/shit, im like no other/when i wont be heard out-just know what im about/you wont hear me stutter/i wont mutter these words, vocally/chest out/head up/i'll speak as load and clearly as im supposed to be/this is me/i will change/may not know who im going to be/but i know for sure whats good for me/i'll always be the same/even when i change/i'll never forget which and where i came/from/that feeling in my stomach/i get/when things hit me quick/the emotions sick/but i'll be different when im done with this punishment of entrapment/muscle the struggle/man up/suit up/survive or die/goodbye/youve possibly helped me changed my sight/just to bad you had to entirely leave my life/